If At First You Don’t Succeed…

Back in July, I wrote a pretty open and honest post about my weight.  In it, I talked about my plan for losing approximately 40 pounds in the last half of 2010.  Yeah…about that…not-so-much.  Instead, I managed to gain 10 pounds.  (Insert cursing and gnashing of teeth here.) 

I tried.  I really did.  I gave a good effort.  I wore my Bodybugg for a few months even though it was short-sleeves weather and everyone looked at it like it was a house arrest monitor.  I learned from it that in a typical work day, I burn about 1600 calories from the time I get up until the time I leave work.  It motivated me to try to start a Zumba group at my school even though I was new there and doing so might have made me seem a little strange.  It motivated me to write down what I ate and keep track of my caloric intake.  Now, my Bodybugg is in my purse.  I haven’t worn it in a while. 

I’m not writing a post of excuses.  I’m writing a post to tell myself why I failed at this attempt.  I’m writing a post to let go of my frustration, wipe the slate clean and start again.  I have a one-word answer for why I failed:  STRESS.

It’s no secret that I eat when I’m stressed.  It’s an automatic response for me…one that I recognize my need to overcome because I’m certainly not grabbing carrots to comfort myself.  This semester has been one of incredible stress. 

• My job is overwhelming most days.  I have way more kids on my caseload than I can manage and the additional requirements like testing and paperwork make it almost impossible.  In my type A personality, I don’t have the ability to “let go” of it and just let it slide.  I’ve tried.  I don’t work like that.  Instead, I had many weeks last semester where I worked from 7:15 AM until 6:00 or 7:00 PM or worked during the school day and then brought home a big bag of stuff do after the kids went to bed. 
• One or both of my kids have been sick at all times since August.  All you have to do is look back through this blog or see my Facebook statuses to see that.  When my kids are sick, it’s exhausting – mentally and physically.  We don’t sleep well and we don’t know what the next day will hold.  I cringe when my phone rings during the day – just hoping that it’s not the daycare.
• Rudy is taking classes towards his principal’s certificate.  While I am exceptionally proud of this effort and I have encouraged him to do this, it does add an element of stress to our household.  In the fall, he is required to be at the high school band rehearsals on Tuesday nights.  This fall, his class was on Monday nights.  This meant that I had both kids by myself the first 2 nights of the week.  Going back to that whole thing about them being sick…it was tough.  It got much better when band was finished and he only had one night a week to be gone.  Classes don’t just mean class, though.  He had a ridiculous amount of work for his first class and needed lots of time to work on papers and reading.  I do give him tons of credit, though.  He did an awesome job of managing his time so that he didn’t have to do much of that at home and almost none before the kids went to bed.  (BTW – As a result of this experience, I have a renewed respect for single moms and I know that I never want to be one.  They are true superheroes.) 

As the semester progressed and my stress level got higher, my Bodybugg was no longer a motivator.  It was just another thing adding stress.  It triggered guilt, which is stress’s best friend.  It reminded me that I had fed yet another difficult day the wrong way and that, despite my best intentions, the deadlines at work had shoved away yet another workout session.  The Zumba group at school didn’t materialize beyond the first month.  One of the other SLP’s graciously offered another place to have it and I have gone to her school several times after school to try to shake, shimmy and dance away not only pounds, but stress itself. 

That brings me to today.  Here I am – 10 pounds heavier than when I wrote that post in July.  What’s the plan?  I can only say that I am rededicated.  I am renewed and getting back on my horse to try again.  I joined Weight Watchers on the 10th.  I’m actually going to the meetings this time.  It really helps me.  I’m also using their e-tools so that I can track my food, weight and activity on my iPhone app.  I Zumba’d for the first time in 2 months on Tuesday and it felt great.  I want to do this.  I want to achieve my goals.  I lost 1.6 pounds in my first week back on WW.  This week, I’m trying to drink more fluids and get in more activity, hoping for a bigger loss.  I’ve cooked 2 WW recipes as well and we haven’t gone out to eat except for one night of Chick-Fil-A, which I calculated points for and budgeted into my day.   

I visited with my doctor last week about my continued fibro pain and my frustration with the pain in my legs keeping me from doing what I want to do.  We made a treatment plan that begins with me and the changes that I’m making.  He encouraged me to add in some stretching every day to help my joints and muscles. 

I’m determined to make 2011 a year of taking care of myself, meeting my goals both on the scale and off, enjoying my family and becoming the person I want to be.  I make no promises.  I make no apologies.  I make no excuses.  I just recommit with the full intention of succeeding and the lessons that I learned the last time fresh on my mind.