Weighing on My Mind

This is one of those posts that's more for me than for anyone else.  It's rattling around in my head and this is my medium for writing, so here it comes...

I've spent my entire adult life and, honestly, some parts of my adolescence, thinking about weight. I'm built just like my great grandmother, Mama Mae. While I loved my great grandmother dearly, I sure wish she had genetically granted me something else besides her figure. Basically, I'm an apple. 

(from left to right) Hourglass, Ruler, Upside-down Triangle, Pear figure, and Apple

Unfortunately, my apple shape has grown significantly over the past 10 years.  The ironic part of that, of course, is that if I ate more apples and less other stuff, I might not be such an apple.  I digress.

Strike one...

You always hear that with marriage comes weight gain, then there are kids, then metabolism slows down, etc, etc, etc.  Well, dang, if those things haven't been true for me.  Thirty-three, married, working in a school and raising 2 kids isn't exactly a sure-fire recipe for success when it comes to losing weight.

Strike two...

Add on to that the fact that I'm more of an indoor girl than one who likes to sweat, I'm a crafter, not a runner, I'm a reader, not a hiker, I'd rather work puzzles and read with my kids than play soccer or ride bikes... You get the point. 

Foul ball...

My body hasn't made it easy for me to fight the weight battle.  Fibromyalgia pain is pretty constant and really runs me down sometimes.  Nine days out of ten, I fight it with every fiber of my being.  That tenth day, though - it fights back and wins.  The crummy part for me is that it seems to be worse when I get hot, which doesn't bode well for exercising.

Strike three...

This is the one that sends me back to the dugout.  Food.  I really think there's some sort of conspiracy in the fact that cheese dip tastes so good and broccoli tastes so bad.  It's wrong that chocolate chip cookies are more comforting to the soul than carrots.  And, really - it's just so much easier (and cheaper!) to drive through and grab fast food than it is to get something healthy when I'm out and about.  I've tried vegetables.  I don't like them.  Most of them literally - not making this up - gag me.  The texture of lettuce makes my skin crawl.  It's hard to find anything healthy on a menu that doesn't have the word "salad" in it and it's hard to eat a salad when lettuce makes you want to throw up. 

And that is why I am where I am.  The good thing is that, so far, even when I've struck out, I've gotten another at-bat.  Here I stand at the plate again - the one on the ground, not the one on the table.  I'm at bat and I have a few nifty new tools to help me.  Nothing can knock the ball out of the park but me and my own strength, but maybe a few batting lessons will come in handy.  (Okay - enough of the baseball talk.  Can you tell I'm a visualizer?  These visualizations help me process my thoughts.)

In the past, my most successful attempts at weight loss have been through Weight Watchers.  I've lost every time I've done it.  The problem, though, is that I fall off the wagon...the wagon runs over me and I nurse my wagon-inflicted wounds with carbs and sugars.  Eventually, the wagon comes back around, only to find me a little heavier than the last time I got on it.  (Visualizing wagons this time!)

This time around, it's been harder than usual.  After Nola was born, I was shocked to find myself in my pre-pregnancy jeans in about 3 weeks.  Crazy!!!  I should've gotten right to work losing more at that point since things were going my way.  (I didn't exactly start out my pregnancy on the left end of the scale.) I didn't do that, though.  I told myself that I would only survive the first 6 weeks of having 2 kids without the added stress of dieting.  My 6 week postpartum appointment was my cut-off date for starting back on Weight Watchers and exercising.  At that appointment, I made a decision that I think sabotaged my summer weight loss.  I opted for an intrauterine device (IUD) called Mirena as my new form of birth control.  The commercials are so convincing and my friend who has one hasn't had any problems with hers.  I was looking forward to the freedom of it.  I lost about 5 pounds in my first month back on plan - what I normally lose in the first week on plan - and then my loss stopped.  I joined a gym in June and started going to aerobics classes and rededicated myself to WW, but I started to actually GAIN weight.  By the time I made the connection between the IUD and the weight gain, I was up ten pounds.  I did a little online reading and found that other people had experienced similar consequences.  I promptly called my OB and made an appointment to have the IUD removed. 

When I went for my appointment, Dr. Ford was surprised to see me.  She was shocked that I didn't really like the IUD, but agreed to remove it since I requested it.  After we talked, she suggested that I have a thyroid test to make sure that wasn't the culprit behind my weight gain and the fact that my hair is still falling out 6 months after Nola's birth.  I was secretly hoping that test would come back saying my thyroid wasn't working right.  Wouldn't that have been an easy thing to blame...and fix?  It's much easier to accept that you've gained weight due to an endocrine system malfunction than to admit that it's because you have a strong affection for all things chocolate. 

That brings me to today.  I know where I am and I know where I need/want to be.  I know that if I don't grab hold of the reins and take control of my weight, I am at risk for developing other health problems.  More than that, though - I am at risk of becoming the fat mom at the t-ball games surrounded by the cute moms in their tank tops and shorts, the mom who can't play outside with her kids because it's too strenuous, the mom who the teenagers are embarrassed of for more reasons than just because all teenagers are embarrassed that their parents are dorks.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not there at this point, but I refuse to get there.  At this point, I'm the one who stands in the back of group pictures so you can see my smile, but not my waist, the one who crops herself out of too many family photos before printing them, the one who always prefers to take the pictures to keep from being in them, the one who would really rather shop for purses or kids' clothes because it's just not fun to shop for my own clothes.  I'm not trying to be woe is me or shop for "no you're not" or anything like that.  I'm confident in a lot of aspects of my life.  I'm a good mom, a good wife, a good friend  and a good speech path.  I'm creative, loyal, intelligent (I hope!) and caring.  I have a lot of good things going for me - but I have to make some changes in this particular area. 

Here's my plan.  I'm now using a Bodybugg to track my calories expended every day.  I also use their online program to enter my calories taken in (what I eat).  I set up a plan online last night and if I follow it (and I will), I should lose 40 pounds by Christmas.  I'm using the nutritional principles of WW, because I know they work.  I also know that weight boils down to calories in vs. calories out.  That's not complicated, but it's easier said than done.  I plan to continue going to aerobics until my gym membership expires in September.  At that point, I'll evaluate if that's working for me or not.  If not, I'll find something that does.  I'm not jumping off the deep end.  I'm being realistic.  I know that on my birthday, I'll have a piece of cake...maybe even two - but I won't eat the whole cake.  I know that fast food is a way of life for a fast-paced family of four, but I also know that I can hold the mayo, choose an alternate side instead of fries, order a kids meal and get a diet drink.  I know that I'll have bad days where I want some comfort food.  There's nothing wrong with comfort food - in moderation.  So, I'm looking at this as a lifestyle change, not a diet.  I'm looking at it as a springboard to the rest of my life.  I'm looking at it as a way to be IN the family pictures and confident that I look the way I want to look.  I'm looking at it as a way to buy time and energy to spend with my kids and my husband. 

I'm also reading a book called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I saw an episode of Oprah about it (stop laughing) while I was doing laundry a couple of weeks ago and was really intrigued.  I'll have to see what I think about it on my own.

Everyone has to start somewhere and everyone needs a goal.  Here's my start and the closest I could find to my goal.  I can't even tell you how hard it was to find a recent picture of me without a baby or a group of people in front of me.  This is the closest I could come.  And, while I was tempted to choose a college picture as my goal, I know that's not realistic.  I'm 33, not 19.  I've had 2 babies.  This picture on the right is from about 8 years ago.  I was almost at my goal weight.  I was in jeans one size higher than what I'm shooting for, but would realistically accept with open arms at this moment. 

I really think I'm putting this on my blog to gain some accountability.  If I know that you read this blog and you see me not following my plan, I'll feel more held to it...but cut me a little slack if it's my birthday.  :)  I know that there will be people who think I shouldn't have shared so much with the world, but I also know that it will help me and that's worth more than what anyone may think of me. 

Wish me luck...and persistence...and willpower...