Anxiety and Gratitude

“In the midst of my anxieties, Your comforts delight my soul.”  ~ Psalm 94:19

This has been my favorite Bible verse for as long as I can remember.  I claimed it in high school, when my anxieties were much different than they are today, but real all the same.  Now my teenage anxieties of boys, friends and social gaffes have been replaced by raising children, maintaining a marriage and household, world events and a career.  And, yet, the same God who comforted me then comforts me now.  The same sense of peace envelops me when I hear the familiar hymns of my childhood.  The same tears spill over when I sense the amazing grace of forgiveness.  The same joy bubbles up when I realize that I am safe in the hands of the omnipotent Father.  The same amazement fills my senses when I feel the presence of God in my daily life. 

I am not perfect – far from it – but I am forgiven.  I am repeatedly forgiven by a patient and loving God through nothing but pure grace.  I have moments of anger that sometimes turn into days and weeks of resentment.  I speak words and think thoughts of impurity, jealousy, judgment, greed and unkindness.  I am short on temper and patience.  I speak my mind and say too much when no words are needed.  I am not good at hiding my feelings and I’ve never been good at pretending when it comes to emotions.  I don’t pray enough and I rarely spend time in my Bible.  I am not the example of Christianity that I should be for others.  But I am forgiven.  I know my God and I know my Savior and I know that my conscience is the Spirit.  I begin each day renewed and try again to do better.  Every day I fail and every morning I begin again.  He asks nothing more than that. 

When my anxieties are high, I find great comfort in listening to music that directs my thoughts to God.  (When I was in labor with Caleb, I repeatedly listened to ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust In Jesus.)  A few weeks ago, I was driving to work with the anxiety of the previous day and the coming day heavy on my mind.  I wanted to hear those comforting messages through song, so I turned to the local Christian radio station.  The kids were in the backseat, jabbering away, but my ears could not believe the words I heard.  The morning host was reading from a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  The passage that she read was this,

"For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I’d be bound to just wreck…  Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin… To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid.  Anxious. Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? 

I found myself wiping away tears as I listened to these words.  I could have written those words (though not as eloquently).  How many mornings have I wanted to pull the covers over my head because the daunting task of just making it through the day was too much to think about?   “The wrestle to get it all done” – Amen.  “I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary.” – Amen and Amen.  I couldn’t scramble fast enough when I got to work to try to find out just where this passage came from.  I read about the book, read about the author and read the reviews.  I knew I had to read the rest.  I was called to read the rest.  I downloaded it when I got home from work and began reading it that night.  The heart-wrenching story of the author’s childhood brought a flood of all-too-personal emotions. 

At the end of the first chapter, she is talking to her brother-in-law, who has just lost the second of his two sons to a vicious childhood disease.  She says that she would like to “write this story differently.”  And, there, in the depth of his grief, this father tells her that, “…maybe you don’t want to change the story, because you don’t know what a different ending holds.”  Wow.  Just wow.  How many times have I asked why God would let something happen the way it happens?  How many times have I wondered what His purpose could possibly be?  Now I understand a little better.  He knows how the story ends.  He knows how the storyline needs to play out for the ending to be what it should be.  Just wow.

The following night, I read the second chapter.  It was the story of how she came to terms with her anxiety, anger and feeling of being consumed with the daily tasks of life.  What I learned in that chapter has changed my life.  She talked about the concept of eucharisteo – being grateful, giving thanks.  The fact that giving thanks is “the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives.”  The author begins the task of finding 1000 things to be grateful for and in that challenge finds unbelievable joy.  As I read her words it became obvious to me that my challenge would be to find something to be thankful for in every situation.  Some might call it a silver lining.  It is not an easy task, but even in my weak attempts, I have been able to find joy in things that I would never have been able to see as joyful had I not looked at it through these words. 

Despite this new way of trying to look at things, I don’t jump out of bed in the mornings, excited about the challenges ahead.  I’m not there yet.  I may never be, but I don’t dread the days.  I am not grateful for the piles of laundry, but I’m grateful for the people who make them and for the amenities to take care of them.  I’m not grateful for the bills, but for the fact that I don’t have to work 2 jobs to pay them.  I’m not grateful for stresses at work, but for the fact that work is one of my stressors when so many people are unemployed.  It is a simple way of looking at things, but a difficult one as well.  Our human nature is to see the rain and not the rainbow. 

This is a video trailer for the book. The author’s dramatic voice is a little cheesy, but the words and images are so powerful.

(I’m continuing to read the book now.  I also enjoy the videos for each chapter that can be found at the InCourage book club site.)

Anxieties absolutely still exist.  Just this week, a tremendous earthquake shook Japan, causing horrible damage.  As I write this, the news is covering the possibility of meltdown at the nuclear reactors in that area.  There is unrest throughout the world, specifically in the Middle East.  Our own country’s military is still in Afghanistan and Iraq in a war that I cannot support.  (Though I do support the men and women who are willing to serve in our country’s military.)  Our economy is horrendous and gas prices are the highest I can remember at $3.45 per gallon.  Our government is at odds with itself, as partisan politics are hindering progress and rational thinking.  Our education system is practically in ruins, with more emphasis on test results than on educating children.  In our state, we are experiencing earthquakes, tornadoes, unheard of blizzards and unexplainable mass deaths of birds and fish.  There are gangs, drugs, unwanted children, women forced into prostitution, violence, poverty and unspeakable crimes.  Yes, there is plenty to be anxious about. 

Recent events have made me (and lots of other people) wonder about God’s timing.  I know we’re not supposed to try to guess.  There’s no point in that after all.  With each new event, I can’t help but wonder, though.  Matthew 24:4-8 says, “⁴ Jesus told them, “Don’t let anyone mislead you, ⁵ for many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah.’ They will deceive many. ⁶ And you will hear of wars and threats of wars, but don’t panic. Yes, these things must take place, but the end won’t follow immediately. ⁷ Nation will go to war against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in many parts of the world. ⁸ But all this is only the first of the birth pains, with more to come.”  Sounds familiar, right?  Famines?  Earthquakes?  Wars?  Oh, boy…more to come. 

The scripture goes on to say, “⁹ “Then you will be arrested, persecuted, and killed. You will be hated all over the world because you are my followers. ¹⁰ And many will turn away from me and betray and hate each other. ¹¹ And many false prophets will appear and will deceive many people. ¹² Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold. ¹³ But the one who endures to the end will be saved. ¹⁴ And the Good News about the Kingdom will be preached throughout the whole world, so that all nations will hear it; and then the end will come.”  Well, goodness, that whole part about being arrested, persecuted and killed sounds fun.  The part about hated all over the world sounds fun too...and a little familiar these days.  Sin rampant everywhere?  Yeah, I think we have that covered.  I’d say if the earth isn’t feeling birth pains now, she’s sure getting warmed up (global warming pun only partially intended).  And yet, I remember that “³⁶ “No one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows.”

For now, we watch and wait with lingering anxiety.  We try to protect our children both from the potential danger and from the fear of it.  We hold them an extra moment longer when we have to leave them and we always kiss them goodnight because we don’t know what the next moment will hold.  We watch and wait with lingering anxiety and we try, try, try to be grateful in all things so that we might experience the true joy and comforts of the salvation that we do not deserve.