Feeling Reflective

I've had these thoughts bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks now and I'm finally at the point where I can't figure out what to do with them but get them out, so bear with me. This post isn't about Caleb or our family - it's about me and my heart.

Self-esteem doesn't come easily for me. I battle "am I good enough" and "did I do that right" and "I can't believe I said that" and the ever-present "should (or shouldn't) haves." My mind runs in circles from what I know in my heart and what my head seems to endlessly whisper. What I know is this: God made me who I am and He has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. I am well aware that I am not in charge - no matter how hard that is for me to accept.

In the do-it-all world that I find myself in, there is so much pressure to think the right things, say the right things, look the right way, be polished without seeming like it took any effort at all, be socially and professionally successful without giving up a moment of family and (I keep hearing this over and over) be true to yourself. Is all of that possible? Is it even realistic? In my constant desire to appease others and myself, I use too much energy trying.

The pressure of my religious background is sometimes overwhelming. I never feel like I can live up to the expectations. There are just some Sundays when we want to stay in our pajamas as a family and worship God individually for allowing us to be together for a few quiet hours. And then the guilt sets in. The should-haves creep into my mind. As I approach 32 years on this earth, I am learning that religion means something different to me. It doesn't mean pews and hymnals - though those things evoke deep feelings for me. It doesn't mean Sunday School, my name embossed on a leather Bible or an altar call. It means something much more personal to me these days and I'm learning to accept that despite my history and despite what others might think.

This summer, I have experienced the "mommy wars" firsthand. Actually, I've experienced them internally. I've made some new friends who stay at home with their children and I often envy them. Though I know that we are not in a financial position for me to stay at home with Caleb, my heart wishes for that opportunity. I'm sure the grass would be greener on either side of that fence, but I would be remiss not to recognize my desire to be with my child as he experiences the daily adventures of toddlerhood. He is growing so fast and before I know it, he'll be so independent. While I look forward to those days, I (like most mothers) hold his little pudgy hands tightly sometimes - just to try to hold on to what we have for right now.

And so the battle continues for a thirty-something suburban wife and mother who seeks God in the details while trying to be professional, personal and committed to the better good. I will never be the girl with the perfect figure or just the right outfit. I'll never be the one who can wear a white shirt without staining the front. I may never figure out the perfect balance between wife, mother, employee and self. I'll probably always indulge too much and laugh too loud. It's likely that I'll be the one to say something awkward or do something that lingers in my mind too long. But that's who I am. I have a husband who is patient and loving and somehow sees through my flaws. I have a child who lights my world with his smiles, melts my heart with his affection and challenges me every day. My family loves me, cheers for me when I succeed and cries for me when I stumble. I have been graced with friends who make me laugh and know that I am dependable when they are in the mood for a laugh or a cry. I feel like I'm on a good spiritual path, my life balance is improving and my heart is in the right place. Sometimes I make mistakes, but I usually learn from them. Though they sometimes linger in my "shouldn't have" file for too long, I have survived them all. Now I have to learn to stop doubting myself and be still.