Feeling Reflective

I've had these thoughts bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks now and I'm finally at the point where I can't figure out what to do with them but get them out, so bear with me. This post isn't about Caleb or our family - it's about me and my heart.

Self-esteem doesn't come easily for me. I battle "am I good enough" and "did I do that right" and "I can't believe I said that" and the ever-present "should (or shouldn't) haves." My mind runs in circles from what I know in my heart and what my head seems to endlessly whisper. What I know is this: God made me who I am and He has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. I am well aware that I am not in charge - no matter how hard that is for me to accept.

In the do-it-all world that I find myself in, there is so much pressure to think the right things, say the right things, look the right way, be polished without seeming like it took any effort at all, be socially and professionally successful without giving up a moment of family and (I keep hearing this over and over) be true to yourself. Is all of that possible? Is it even realistic? In my constant desire to appease others and myself, I use too much energy trying.

The pressure of my religious background is sometimes overwhelming. I never feel like I can live up to the expectations. There are just some Sundays when we want to stay in our pajamas as a family and worship God individually for allowing us to be together for a few quiet hours. And then the guilt sets in. The should-haves creep into my mind. As I approach 32 years on this earth, I am learning that religion means something different to me. It doesn't mean pews and hymnals - though those things evoke deep feelings for me. It doesn't mean Sunday School, my name embossed on a leather Bible or an altar call. It means something much more personal to me these days and I'm learning to accept that despite my history and despite what others might think.

This summer, I have experienced the "mommy wars" firsthand. Actually, I've experienced them internally. I've made some new friends who stay at home with their children and I often envy them. Though I know that we are not in a financial position for me to stay at home with Caleb, my heart wishes for that opportunity. I'm sure the grass would be greener on either side of that fence, but I would be remiss not to recognize my desire to be with my child as he experiences the daily adventures of toddlerhood. He is growing so fast and before I know it, he'll be so independent. While I look forward to those days, I (like most mothers) hold his little pudgy hands tightly sometimes - just to try to hold on to what we have for right now.

And so the battle continues for a thirty-something suburban wife and mother who seeks God in the details while trying to be professional, personal and committed to the better good. I will never be the girl with the perfect figure or just the right outfit. I'll never be the one who can wear a white shirt without staining the front. I may never figure out the perfect balance between wife, mother, employee and self. I'll probably always indulge too much and laugh too loud. It's likely that I'll be the one to say something awkward or do something that lingers in my mind too long. But that's who I am. I have a husband who is patient and loving and somehow sees through my flaws. I have a child who lights my world with his smiles, melts my heart with his affection and challenges me every day. My family loves me, cheers for me when I succeed and cries for me when I stumble. I have been graced with friends who make me laugh and know that I am dependable when they are in the mood for a laugh or a cry. I feel like I'm on a good spiritual path, my life balance is improving and my heart is in the right place. Sometimes I make mistakes, but I usually learn from them. Though they sometimes linger in my "shouldn't have" file for too long, I have survived them all. Now I have to learn to stop doubting myself and be still.

Tulsa, Branson and the rest of July

Our trip to Tulsa a couple of weeks ago was just as fun as I expected it to be. Les and the kids and I piled into the car on Wednesday morning and headed for Cindy's house. When we got there, we filled up everyone's tummies and headed out for the zoo. It was insanely hot, but all 4 kids were troopers. Their moms were a little weary by the end of the day, but we sure enjoyed being together. We always do. Cindy stopped in the middle of the zoo trip and said, "We never imagined this when we became friends so long ago." She's right - but sometimes what we don't imagine is the best part of all.

The next day was my "day off." I took care of a couple of doctor appointments and some other errands (like paying for my car tags!). While I was out, I stopped at 2 different child care facilities to try to find a new place for Caleb. I can honestly say that I was on the verge of freaking out. My principal got back to me when she got back to work and said that we could work something out but that I would need to be there on the days that I have 7:30 meetings. Well...if I could work something out on those days, then I'd probably be able to work something out every day, so I was back to square one. I was faced with starting school in less than a month and had nothing secured for Caleb. Both places that I went on Thursday were great. One was quite a bit out of our price range, but I was willing to do whatever I needed to do - even if temporarily to get a place for him. The other one was within our financial means and very close to my new school. The only problem was the waiting list. The person that I talked to told me that I would have to wait a few days to find out if there would be room for Caleb. As usual, God granted me a peace about it that helped me to understand that everything would be okay. I called back on Monday and found out that they were willing to work with us to get Caleb into a class. They only had room for him in the 2 1/2 -3 year room, but I think he'll be fine. He'll be 2 1/2 in a couple of months. The only reservation is the potty training issue - but my hope is that being with the older kids will be an incentive for him. Wishful thinking? Maybe, but I'm going with it. So - Caleb will be at Central Methodist Church every day next year. He'll be in the MONKEY room...so appropriate.

After I did all of my running around, I met Stacy at SSD for some serious scrapbooking. We even went to her house after they closed and worked some more.

While I was at Stacy's, Rudy took Caleb to the Naturals baseball game. Caleb has developed a fascination with baseball these days. He likes to watch it on TV, but his favorite thing in the world is to play with the inflatable tee ball set that he got for his birthday. He whacks the tee, which makes the ball fall to the ground, then he throws his bat and takes off running in circles around the yard. We hear, "Play baseball game?" at least 25 times a day! Rudy told him that they were going to the baseball game on Thursday and he was ecstatic. When they stopped for dinner first, Caleb went into hysterics because that wasn't his plan. Once they got to the park, he was in Heaven. Rudy said he talked about baseball the whole time: Hit ball? Throw ball? Run, baseball! He loves to yell, "Go baseball game!" During the game, there was a big collision at home plate and Caleb got scared. Rudy said that everyone around them knew who Caleb was by the end of the game. Apparently, he asked to go to the bathroom after every other inning. Daddy didn't get to see much of the game, but he loved taking his little boy to the ballpark. On the way home, Caleb was quiet for a while before he said, "Daddy, I like baseball game."

On Saturday night (7/19), Ms. Kelly came to stay with Caleb while Rudy and I went to Les and Nick's New Orleans party. I think it was good for us to have some time out without the munchkin. Caleb was excited to see Ms. Kelly, but had a hard time with us leaving. Being together all summer has made for a touch of separation anxiety.

On Monday (7/21), we had our postponed playdate with Cayden and Jenn Quinalty. The boys had a great time playing at the pool. It was so hot that Jenn and I even got in the water with them.

Rudy has been struggling a lot lately with back and neck pain. He spent a lot of time the past couple of weeks in bed with some pretty strong painkillers. Now, though, the pain seems to have subsided. We're really praying that it doesn't come back!

On Tuesday (7/22), Rudy took Caleb to Ft. Smith to see Jan and Chris. Chris was home from school in Boston and it was Jan's birthday, so they spent the night. It worked out great because I spent the whole day cleaning and preparing to host bunco at our house that night. The boys had a great time in Ft. Smith and it was a blessing because Jan was able to take care of Caleb while Rudy's back was still hurting. It was so strange being here Tuesday night without my boys. After everyone left from bunco, the house was so quiet - too quiet, though I never thought I'd say that.

We packed up and left for our final getaway of the summer on Thursday. Jan treated us all to a long weekend at a condo in Branson. We drove up there Thursday afternoon and met Jan and Chris. Rudy made BBQ to take with us and we enjoyed that when we got there. After dinner, we went to the pool, where Caleb played in the water until he could hardly keep his eyes open. We went to Silver Dollar City on Friday. It was 1000 degrees hot on the blacktop, but we managed with the help of a lot of lemonade! Caleb loved his first amusement park trip. He wanted to ride everything! Unfortunately, there were only a couple of things he could ride, but he took full advantage of those. All of the adults took turns riding with him on the bug ride that went "up in the sky" and on the frog ride that went "ribbit." We also rode the train. Of course, with it being SDC, the train ride involves a fake train robbery by some hillbillies. Caleb did not like that the train stopped for that little show. He kept saying, "no no train!" to the actors. Chris, Rudy and I managed to sneak in a few big kid rides too since Jan was there to watch Caleb while we rode the coasters!

On Saturday, we had the added treat of going over to meet some of our friends from our STL neighborhood at their condo. The Browns just happened to be in town at the same time as us, so they invited us over to swim at their (very nice) pool. We stayed for 2 hours, catching up with our old friends, marveling at how much the kids have grown and enjoying the summer day. On Saturday afternoon, Rudy and Jan went shopping while Caleb and I took a nap. After naptime, we went out to dinner and then took Caleb to a place on the strip called Kids Kountry. Jan remembered it from when Chris was a little kid. I was slightly nervous about putting Caleb on the rickety old rides by himself, but he loved it! He rode the swings, the bunny rabbits, the mini ferris wheel and the tea cups. A storm came up just as it was time for us to go home, so we headed back to the condo. We enjoyed playing our marble game (Chris and I won 2 out of 3 games!) for the rest of the evening.

This morning, we packed up and headed for home. I've been fighting some stomach crud all day and Rudy and Caleb have been recuperating from the weekend. Rudy took Caleb over to Grandma Voises' house this evening to give me some quiet and rest. I took full advantage of it and managed to get our pictures posted from the trip. Hopefully, I'll be feeling better tomorrow. It's my last mom's day off for the summer. Rudy starts back to work on Tuesday, so Caleb and I are on our own for the remaining week and a half of our break. I can't believe it's almost over.

The Sweetest Words

For a long time, Caleb has been telling us that he loves us. His sweet little "Wud oo" is enough to make me melt. However, we've only heard it when he was prompted to say it. Yesterday, my whole being melted into a puddle when my little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, sweet-cheeked child spontaneously came up to me and gave me a hug, then said, "I wud oo, Mama." No words have ever sounded so sweet.

Mid-July Already!?!

Can it really be July 15th? It seems like we just got out of school! Now we're officially on the downhill slide to going back to work. Band starts for Rudy on the 29th and I have to be at a meeting on August 7th, then full time starting on the 11th. All good things must come to an end, but until they do - we're enjoying every day that we have!

Like I said in my last post, Caleb and I went to Memmie and Poppie's on Wednesday (7/9). We drove down in the rain and Caleb never went to sleep. We never left the house once we got there. Caleb played and entertained us all. We didn't need to go anywhere! We packed up and left left for Hot Springs on Thursday morning after enjoying our visit completely.

Caleb didn't sleep on the way to Hot Springs, either. I did manage to get him to nap as soon as we got to Mom's though. He slept, I showered and we were ready for action when Mom got home. Caleb was so excited to see LaLa! He woke up and said, "Where LaLa go?" We went to KJ's for an early dinner and then went over to visit with Pepapa and Anna Joyce. Caleb helped Pepapa feed the ducks and fish a loaf of bread. When we asked him what he gave them, he said, "Toast." While we were there, he showed off all of his "tricks." He did his happy/sad/mean/surprised faces, helped me sing the "baseball game song" (Take Me Out to the Ballgame), helped me sing the "football game song" (Razorback fight song - he does the RAH RAHs), danced and answered a variety of questions with cute answers. We went home and put the little showman to bed.

Mom very graciously let me sleep in on Friday and took care of Caleb most of the morning. We hung out at the house and then ran a couple of errands. Caleb pulled his funniest trick yet on Friday when he was supposed to be napping. I put him down for his nap in his pack & play, which happened to be pushed up against the side of the bed. Somehow, Caleb managed to climb onto the bed and threw all of the contents of his suitcase into his pack & play. That wasn't quite enough, so he cleaned out the cabinet that Mom keeps all of his toys in. All of the toys went into the pack & play also. He did all of this so quietly. I heard a sound every now and then, but thought it was the construction going on next door. It wasn't until I heard the doorknob rattling that I knew he was out of his bed. I went to the door, not quite knowing what to expect when I opened it. There he was, standing beside his bed with a huge grin on his face. He looked at me and said, "I wake up." I couldn't even hide my laughter. It was absolutely hilarious. Mom had gone out to take care of some things and I just left it all like it was. I knew she wouldn't believe it if she didn't see it. So - Caleb managed to skip another nap. He did sleep a little bit in the car during our errands.

Mr. L. got home from his conference on Friday night. He grilled burgers for us and got a rundown of all of Caleb's latest advancements. Those two are quite a pair! As soon as Pops shows up, Caleb becomes his shadow.

On Saturday, Mr. L. had some work to do on the boat dock. Caleb kept up with him every step of the way. He loved sitting on the boat while Pops worked on the lift motor. It did completely wear him out, though. He took a good long nap after lunch. When he woke up, we headed straight for the boat. As usual, Caleb loved riding on the boat. We went over to Harolyn and Brad's where Caleb and Pops played in the pool while we all caught up. After our boat ride home, Mr L went to get pizza.

Caleb and I headed for home on Sunday. I didn't think he was going to sleep at all until he fell asleep at about Mountainburg. He managed to get about a 45 minute nap. We were both glad to see Rudy when we got home and he was glad see us too! We went to dinner at Las Fajitas and came home to crash in the bed!

On Monday, Caleb and I went to Gymboree and then came home for lunch and nap. Rudy woke up with a "crick" in his neck that kept getting worse and worse. He ended up in such severe pain that he took a pain pill and went to bed. While both of them were sleeping, I ran an errand and by the time I got back, Rudy was literally yelling in his sleep. Bless his heart, he was in so much pain! He went to bed pretty early and woke up feeling a little better today.

We were supposed to have a play date with Caleb's friend Cayden and my friend (Cayden's mom) Jennifer on Monday. Jenn called at about 3:00 and said that Cayden woke up from his nap feeling awful and they wouldn't be able to come. I called our neighbor Shalini and she brought Jakey over to play instead. The two boys splashed around each other in the pool and played on the swingset for a while. We came in for dinner and played some more until bedtime. I guess all of that fun got to Caleb, because he woke up during the night and kept my sleep pretty limited all night long.

Rudy took Caleb with him this morning to take run some errands and get breakfast. I slept in to make up for my missed sleep and got up just as they got home.

I'm not sure what I'm going to end up doing about Caleb's daycare for fall. I thought we had it all figured out and we even registered him for His House at the Nazarene church nearby. Then I found out that they don't open until 7:15 and I have to be at work at 7:30! I'm in a bit of a panic. I got the name of a lady who keeps kids in her home and we went to meet her today. Let's just say that I'm still in a panic. Caleb will NOT be going to Ms. Karen's house. First of all, the front door was wide open when we got there and there wasn't anyone in sight. We went to the backyard where the kids were playing. It was filthy. There were lots of toys and lots of kids, but everything was overgrown and completely dirty. I (for some reason) overlooked that and asked all of the questions that I needed to ask. Once we finally went inside and looked around, I was feeling very uneasy about it. The house wasn't child-proofed at all. My mind was made up when the lady indicated that she would prefer that Caleb wear pull-ups than underwear because she has new carpet. Nope. As I was getting ready to leave and Rudy was putting Caleb in the car, she said that she wasn't sure why I was so worried. After all, she's been keeping kids for 30 years and she had never met anyone who asked so many questions. What she doesn't seem to understand is that she may have been keeping kids for 30 years, but I've only been a mother for just over 2 years. It is hard enough for me to leave my child with a stranger during the day. I am most certainly going to ask all the questions I want. I might even ask them twice and that's my right as her potential consumer. When I got in the car, Rudy and I immediately agreed that there was no way we would feel comfortable leaving Caleb there. What really burned me up was that when we got home, there was a message on my answering machine from her. She said that she just didn't feel like it would be a good fit. She assured me that I was adorable and that Caleb was adorable, but that she just didn't think that she could provide what we needed. It was all I could do not to call her up and tell her that she could not be more right. She most definitely could not provide what we needed. So - now we're back in a bind. I'm waiting to hear from my principal as to whether or not we can work out some way for me to keep Caleb in the church setting where he's registered. If not, I'm back in the hunt for childcare.

On a happier note - Caleb and I are going to Tulsa tomorrow with Leslie and her kids. We're meeting Cindy and Haven and going to the zoo! It will be so much fun!!!

Vacation and some other stuff

I should've known that when Caleb started out the week by taking off his diaper at naptime and wetting all over his bed - we were in for quite a week. He repeated the same thing on Wednesday! In general, we kept our normal daily routine for the week. Our evenings were a little different, though. I had a Children's Museum meeting on Tuesday night and we all took Grandma out to dinner on Wednesday night. On Thursday, I got a pretty significant haircut. Friday night, we went over to Grandma's for her birthday dinner with her, Jan, Kathy, Dan and Heather.

On Saturday, we went to pick up my new car! It's a beautiful cranberry-colored GMC Acadia. I absolutely love it!!!! After that, Jan watched Caleb while Rudy and I went to a friend's wedding.

Sunday was a full day of laundry and packing for vacation. We left on Monday after I took Caleb to Gymboree. It was great to travel in the new car. We had plenty of room and the built-in DVD system was such a relief. We got to Jerry and Sherry's house in Florissant just in time for dinner. After that, we visited and got caught up on everyone's lives. Since Caleb didn't sleep at all on the way there, he all but passed out when he hit the pillow!

Tuesday morning, we got up and took Caleb to the zoo. This was the first time he was actually able to enjoy the zoo. He knows the names of a lot of the animals and loved seeing them. We went to the petting zoo, watched part of the sea lion show, rode the train and rode the carousel while we were there. The best part was seeing the brand new baby giraffe. Even Caleb got excited. He looked at her and said, "Ooh, a BABY giraffe!" It was pretty cute. We thought Caleb would love the new animatronic dinosaur exhibit at the zoo, so we shelled out $9 for tickets. He is very much into dinosaurs these days and I just knew he'd would be amazed at the exhibit. He covered his eyes as soon as he saw the first one and didn't uncover them until we were all the way through the exhibit! He was scared to pieces!

After the zoo, we went back to the house for a little while to rest and get ready for dinner. We met about 25 of our friends at our old hangout, El Nopal. It was so great to see everyone. We didn't get to visit like we wanted to, but it was just good to be in the same room with all of them. I told Rudy that it was actually a little overwhelming to me that so many people cared enough to come see us after us being gone for a year. He agreed.

On Wednesday, we met Michael for lunch b/c he couldn't come to the dinner on Tuesday night. It was so great to catch up with him. After lunch, we went to Babies R Us, since we don't have one of those here. We went back to the house for Caleb's nap and to rest a little before Rudy, Caleb, Rebecca and I picked up Jerry at work and met Sherry at Cunetto's for dinner. After a typically fantastic meal, they took Caleb home with them so that Rudy and I could go out by ourselves. What a treat!

The rest of the family came in on Thursday around lunchtime. We enjoyed seeing them and the kids immediately started playing together. Sherry prepared a wonderful lunch/dinner for us as always. Shortly after our meal, most of us got ready to go to the Cardinals game. Sherry, Sandy and Rebecca stayed home with Caleb. Rudy, Jerry, Tom, Jimmy, Larry, Ana, Mary, Alexander, Anthony and I went to the game. We had a good time, despite the rain delay and the Cardinals' loss.

On Friday, we stayed at home until it was time for us to go down to the Arch for the fireworks. We found a spot where the kids could go down to the pond and feed the ducks. It was very different this year at the Arch. Because the river is up so high, the concert was moved way off of the Arch grounds and there was no music, no vendors and no port-a-potties. I wasn't too upset about the vendors, but the lack of potties was a problem! Hopefully, things will be back to normal next year. The fireworks were spectacular as always. Caleb, on the other hand, didn't see a single one. All afternoon, he asked about the fireworks, talked about the fireworks and kept looking for the fireworks. As soon as the first one popped in the sky, he covered his eyes and didn't remove them until he thought they were all done. There was a fake finale and it was quiet for just a few moments. Caleb moved his hands away from his eyes and I asked him, "Did you like the fireworks?" He grinned and said, "Yeah!"...and then they started again and his hands flew back onto his eyes. When they stopped for the last time, he wouldn't stop talking about the fireworks. He asked, "Where fireworks go?" and said, "Sha Sha watched fireworks." We all just went along with it. No one had the heart to tell him that he missed the whole show because his hands were covering his eyes. Now, he's still talking about the fireworks that Sha Sha watched and occasionally telling us that they went BOOM BOOM! I think it's pretty funny.

I wasn't feeling too hot all day on the 4th, but managed to make it through the fireworks and the insane traffic afterwards. I held off getting really sick until we got home. It was a LONG night for me and I wasn't feeling much better the next morning either. However - it was time to make the trek home, so I sucked it up and got in the car. We managed to make it home safe and sound. Caleb was glad to get home to his toys and his bed and Rudy and I were glad to be back in our home. We enjoyed our trip tremendously and we are very grateful to Jerry, Sherry and Rebecca for their hospitality and for allowing us to live with them for a few days - but there is just something about getting home that can't be beat.

On Sunday (7/6), Rudy started his week-long stint at Jr. High band camp at the U of A. He's loving it and is planning on going back next year. I can't imagine loving being with Jr. High kids, but he's really enjoying the experience. Caleb and I spent Sunday being lazy. I still wasn't feeling well, so I napped when he napped and managed to get in a shower towards the end of the day. He was pretty tired too, so he did a lot of laying around and asked to "watch tee-wee" several times. I think that was God's way of helping me out. I'm not sure what I would've done if Caleb had been in one of his moods on Sunday! Monday wasn't much different. We were lazy in the morning and then napped after lunch. I did get a shower and go to the post office and to pick up Dewey from the kennel. Caleb was so excited about going to "get mail" and going to "see Dewey's doctor." I think he was just glad to get out of the house! Rudy brought home pizza for dinner and then I forced myself to go to the grocery store. Our cupboards were bare!

Today (7/8) was a pretty cool day for me. It was my first official day back on the SLP team at Rogers. They had an inservice day to earn the hours to be off one day in the fall. They graciously invited me to join them. It was so wonderful to see all of the girls that are still there and to meet some of the new ones who have joined the team. I know this job won't be perfect (none of them ever are), but I am looking so forward to the camaraderie that this group shares.

Stacy graciously agreed to watch Caleb for me today while I was at the meeting and Rudy was at camp. She said that he was a good boy for her and even enjoyed going to Chick-Fil-A with them. Caleb loves his Chickie Fries!

Caleb and I are leaving tomorrow morning for Sherwood and then on to Hot Springs. We're looking forward to the time with family.

Potty Training Update: Lots of people have e-mailed to ask how the potty training is going. Well...it was going great until we went on vacation. Because we were on the go so much while we were gone, we had to resort to using pull-ups a lot more than we usually do. Caleb honestly has no idea that there's any difference between a pull-up and a diaper, so he just uses them freely. That set us back what seems like lightyears. I have been really discouraged the past couple of days with the number of accidents that he's having. He always tells me that he went - right after he goes. He's pretty fond of saying things like, "Sha Sha pee pee on the chair" and "Sha Sha pee pee on the floor." So - he knows he's going - he just doesn't seem to know before he goes! Or...maybe he doesn't care. I don't know. I can't figure it out. He loves to go in the potty and loves everything about the potty. He just won't make that transition to telling me the he has to go BEFORE he wets all over himself and everything under him. I'm going to do my absolute best to keep him in the usual routine while we're in Sherwood and Hot Springs. It's a good thing Mom and Mr. L. have concrete floors. :)